dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize