i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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