Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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