I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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