i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
