i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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