I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
