i permit you to call me
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
