Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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