If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
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There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
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