just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
