Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
