It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
