The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
