as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
