I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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