I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
