I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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