I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
