So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
