you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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