I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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