is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
