just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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