I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
