her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
