i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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