so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
