On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
