My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
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If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?