foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated