remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.