Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.