happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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