i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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