just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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