you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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