frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The power of my boobs compel you
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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