Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
