I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
