life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Umm I'm too high to move.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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