I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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