; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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