if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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