the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
