you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
