if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
