your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
