Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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