so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
