new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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