I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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