apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
