I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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