Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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