You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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